The Devil's Dictionary
by Ambrose Bierce
Prepared and Published by:
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Contents
AUTHOR'S PREFACE
A
B
C
D
E
F
G
H
I
J
K
L
M
N
O
P
Q
R
S
T
U
V
W
X
Y
Z
AUTHOR'S PREFACE
The Devil's Dictionary
was begun in a weekly paper in 1881, and was
continued in a desultory way at long intervals until 1906. In that year a large
part of it was published in covers with the title
The Cynic's Word Book,
a
name which the author had not the power to reject or happiness to approve. To
quote the publishers of the present work:
"This more reverent title had previously been forced upon him by the
religious scruples of the last newspaper in which a part of the work had
appeared, with the natural consequence that when it came out in covers the
country already had been flooded by its imitators with a score of 'cynic'
books—The
Cynic's This, The Cynic's That,
and
The Cynic's t'Other.
Most of
these books were merely stupid, though some of them added the distinction of
silliness. Among them, they brought the word 'cynic' into disfavor so deep that
any book bearing it was discredited in advance of publication."
Meantime, too, some of the enterprising humorists of the country had
helped themselves to such parts of the work as served their needs, and many
of its definitions, anecdotes, phrases and so forth, had become more or less
current in popular speech. This explanation is made, not with any pride of
priority in trifles, but in simple denial of possible charges of plagiarism, which
is no trifle. In merely resuming his own the author hopes to be held guiltless
by those to whom the work is addressed—enlightened souls who prefer dry
wines to sweet, sense to sentiment, wit to humor and clean English to slang.
A conspicuous, and it is hoped not unpleasant, feature of the book is its
abundant illustrative quotations from eminent poets, chief of whom is that
learned and ingenius cleric, Father Gassalasca Jape, S.J., whose lines bear his
initials. To Father Jape's kindly encouragement and assistance the author of
the prose text is greatly indebted.
A.B.
A
ABASEMENT, n. A decent and customary mental attitude in the presence
of wealth or power. Peculiarly appropriate in an employee when addressing an
employer.
ABATIS, n. Rubbish in front of a fort, to prevent the rubbish outside from
molesting the rubbish inside.
ABDICATION, n. An act whereby a sovereign attests his sense of the high
temperature of the throne.
Poor Isabella's Dead, whose abdication
Set all tongues wagging in the Spanish nation.
For that performance 'twere unfair to scold her:
She wisely left a throne too hot to hold her.
To History she'll be no royal riddle—
Merely a plain parched pea that jumped the
griddle.
G.J.
ABDOMEN, n. The temple of the god Stomach, in whose worship, with
sacrificial rights, all true men engage. From women this ancient faith
commands but a stammering assent. They sometimes minister at the altar in a
half-hearted and ineffective way, but true reverence for the one deity that men
really adore they know not. If woman had a free hand in the world's marketing
the race would become graminivorous.
ABILITY, n. The natural equipment to accomplish some small part of the
meaner ambitions distinguishing able men from dead ones. In the last analysis
ability is commonly found to consist mainly in a high degree of solemnity.
Perhaps, however, this impressive quality is rightly appraised; it is no easy
task to be solemn.
ABNORMAL, adj. Not conforming to standard. In matters of thought and
conduct, to be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is to be detested.
Wherefore the lexicographer adviseth a striving toward the straiter [sic]
resemblance of the Average Man than he hath to himself. Whoso attaineth
thereto shall have peace, the prospect of death and the hope of Hell.
ABORIGINIES, n. Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of a
newly discovered country. They soon cease to cumber; they fertilize.
ABRACADABRA.
By Abracadabra we signify
An infinite number of things.
'Tis the answer to What? and How? and Why?
And Whence? and Whither?—a word whereby
The Truth (with the comfort it brings)
Is open to all who grope in night,
Crying for Wisdom's holy light.
Whether the word is a verb or a noun
Is knowledge beyond my reach.
I only know that 'tis handed down.
From sage to sage,
From age to age—
An immortal part of speech!
Of an ancient man the tale is told
That he lived to be ten centuries old,
In a cave on a mountain side.
(True, he finally died.)
The fame of his wisdom filled the land,
For his head was bald, and you'll understand
His beard was long and white
And his eyes uncommonly bright.
Philosophers gathered from far and near
To sit at his feet and hear and hear,
Though he never was heard
To utter a word
But "Abracadabra, abracadab,
Abracada, abracad,
Abraca, abrac, abra, ab!"
'Twas all he had,
'Twas all they wanted to hear, and each
Made copious notes of the mystical speech,
Which they published next—
A trickle of text
In the meadow of commentary.
Mighty big books were these,
In a number, as leaves of trees;
In learning, remarkably—very!
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